Scared

I’m scared. Really scared. And I can’t sleep. I’ve been receiving treatment for this infection for months and now I seem to be on a pretty steep backslide. Without my anxiety medication, my mind wanders to worst case scenarios. Such as breast amputation, spreading, and even death. When I look at it logically, I don’t see that. I’m just finding it really hard to be optimistic right now. What I want more than anything is to be healthy, whole and healed before the baby comes in February. I REALLY want that! I want to be able to work and not lay the burden of our entire household of bills on Jarrod. Nor the burden of my medical and medically-induced emotional issues. That’s the topic of like 85% of our conversations. He’s understanding and supportive but I still feel bad for him. As well as the kids. I feel like I’ve stolen the limelight and I don’t even want it. I was going to spend extra attention on Andy and Cory this summer since Evan has finally been getting help. We were all going to go swimming, go to Adventureland, and have a fun summer. Instead I’ve spent it at hospitals and appointments and doing infusions. Unable to be in water due to my open breast and PICC line. I ruined summer for everyone and it sucks. 😢 And for what? To me, there seems to be no improvement. It has made the girls resent me entirely, Andy feels alienated, Evan is worried, and Cory is stuck to me like glue. And no progress.

I see Dr. Kumar Wednesday. I sure hope he has a next step that is actual progress toward a cure. I just want to be healthy, whole and healed. And get back to my family life.

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