Tag Archives: life lessons

Closing Out 2021

2021 has been one of the longest years I have experienced as an adult. I’d say it’s probably the second hardest year for me in my 41 years in this body, on this planet. I started out the year watching fireworks with my family from our livingroom window in Garner, NC. At that time, I believed all was fine. I was getting over being homesick for Iowa, and we were finally moving forward. Life went on, and we were good.

Of course to start the year, being carried over from 2020 was COVID. A neverending sickness in the general population and everyone resisting any type of mitigation efford – from mask wearing, to vaccinations, from handwashing to social distancing.

In March, something I have not discussed publicly happened, and I decided in a very swift change of heart that we were headed back to Iowa immediately. It was what was best for our family, and I made it happen quickly. We were back in Iowa by May. Of course you already know, if you’ve been following me for very long, that the moving company screwed us over. They didn’t deliver our belongings and I had to go the legal route to get anyone’s attention. But more about that later…

In April, Jarrod and I were able to get our COVID vaccines. I was still breastfeeding Felix at the time, so he possibly got some of the benefits of the vaccine.

When I was making arrangements to move back to Iowa, I found a nice rental house in Des Moines that we had all set up to move into on June 1. When we got back to Iowa, Jarrod and I went to tour the home and sign the lease. We paid our deposit and were all set to move on time. But when we left Garner, NC, the moving company showed up right at about the last possible moment, and we were unable to finish up cleaning before heading out to the airport. So because that upset the NC landlord, he decided to be petty and contact our soon-to-be landlord and tell him about the mess (which was not even as bad as what we had moved into and had to clean upon arrival the year before). So the rental in Des Moines got revoked, our deposit refunded…. leaving us essentially homeless.

We ended up moving into TWO apartments at a very low-rent drug-ridden apartment complex so we had a roof over all our heads, since Jarrod’s girls needed to stay with us for a while as well. And a few weeks later we moved into our current home, a brand new trailer in a trailer park. The apartment manager claimed damages, and tried to bill us for things that were pre-existing in the apartment when we moved out. But I’m pretty sure we were the only ones who had taken such good care of one of those apartments in many years.

I swore I’d never live in a trailer, but I must say, the property manager here has been an absolute pleasure to work with. Maintenance has been on top of issues, its clean and quiet out here. We’ve only had a couple storms that I felt could have threatened our livelihoods, but we remain safe and our home in excellent condition.

We added two new kittens to our family – Sage and Daisy.

As a good point to the year, Jarrod and I were able to take Felix on a mini-vacation to St. Louis. We visited the St. Louis Aquarium, City Museum, and the St. Louis Zoo. More photos can be found on my Instagram or Facebook pages.

In September another wave of things happened; Felix got his official diagnosis of ASD. He is already in many therapies, so nothing much has changed for him. We will continue therapy as we were, and do what we can to educate ourselves and cater to his needs.

Cassy had a falling out with their stepmom and got kicked out of their dad’s place, landing them back in my home. We haven’t had room for them here, so they’ve been sleeping in the living room this whole time, cramping up the whole house and how we do things.

We got our belongings returned to us after talking with a couple of different police departments and starting the process of legal action against our moving company. Several boxes and a few big pieces of furniture were missing. And many more items that were returned were broken or severely damaged. Needless to say, we will never be using a moving company to move our household again. Doing it ourselves with a UHaul may be a nuisance, but its definitely worth keeping all our stuff, and having it all in tact.

I started having severe sciatic pain down my left leg. An X-Ray showed it’s due to degeneration in my spine due to arthritis. I never knew I had arthritis, and as of now, the last day of the year, over 3 months later, I still have not been able to find a proper diagnosis or plan for pain treatment. It has been a very rough and painful 3 months.

Jarrod and I have definitely struggled to maintain any type of decent relationship through all of these struggles, but we talk every day and we’re working through it to the best of our abilities.

In 2022 I look forward to the approval of the mortgage for our home (pending inspection and repairs), and the comfort and security of living there, knowing we will never have to move again. And I hope for COVID to be at a state of acceptable control so we can safely attend public outdoor events again, such as amusement parks, the Iowa State Fair, music festivals, and much more. As simple as that all sounds, I’m sure it won’t be. But I still maintain hope.

Thanks to all my friends, family and followers of my blog. I wish you all a very safe and happy New Year’s Eve, and may your 2022 be more bountiful and serene than 2021.

Special

⚠️ Trigger Warning ⚠️ Suicidal Thoughts, PPD

“You’re so strong, such a good mom. God won’t give you more than you can handle. Your baby’s got challenges but you’ve got this! ”

Things I hear or have heard regularly. All fine, with good intentions. But you know what? All I’ve ever wanted was help. All I’ve ever wanted was someone to say “I see you struggling. Let me help.” I’m not asking for the world. I mean small things, like bringing a meal when I was so tired from late nights that I couldn’t find the energy to cook. Coming over and holding my colicky baby and pacing with him for an hour so I could have a break from the screaming and regroup. Any little thing. Even a visit and a hug.

Did I get any of that? No. During his first year of life I not only adjusted to being a new mom again, but I also dealt with TEN MONTHS of incessant crying. As time passed it became more apparent he had special needs, and I mourned my way of life, and any plans big or small we had for him. I became sure I should give him up to more suitable parents, and I even became suicidal because I felt worthless because I couldn’t make him feel better. I felt I was failing as a mother. I was in probly one of the worst mental states of my life. I truly wanted to die.

Felix crying into my shirt around 3-4 months old. Nearly nothing helped soothe him. It would go on for many hours at a time.

Not one person noticed. Not one person reached out. I tried to express myself, but my husband was working very hard to support our “new normal,” and my friends and family vacated. Some of my cries for help were met with jokes. Some of them were met with “oh it will be ok.” And most of them were ignored entirely.

Still today, not one person outside of me and my husband has made any effort to get to know Felix in a way that they could care for him. We haven’t had a real date night in nearly 3 years. Our marriage has been through the ringer because of this. It’s a miracle we’ve made it this far.

And God? I don’t believe in God. If you want to tell me this was all given to me as some sort of sick experiment planned by an invisible man in the sky, please just keep that to yourself.

The fact is, this isn’t fair. Felix didn’t deserve to have all these troubles. He didn’t deserve to be unable to walk, talk, eat properly, process speech or emotions or his senses the way he should be able to… when he will be 3 in a couple months. He didn’t deserve to have belly and sensory issues so severe in his first year that all he could do is scream frantically trying to tell us something was wrong, with no relief. He didn’t deserve to have a mom who was utterly alone and often frustrated and ready to give up on life because she couldn’t help his helpless little hurting soul. He didn’t deserve any of it.

For nearly a year, wrapping Felix tight up against me was one of the only ways to get the crying to stop. I couldn’t sit or relax, I had to stay in motion. I was TIRED.

All I’ve ever wanted as a mom is for my kids to have FAMILY, and to be happy and healthy and to know they are loved, and to have every opportunity to thrive. And though I’ve done the best I can do on my own, I still can’t help but feel I’ve failed left and right.

And I’m still mostly alone. My husband is not working as much now, and it’s amazing to have his help as I expected to have before. I absolutely love the relationship he and Felix have. But again, still no one else stepped up. It’s just me, him and Felix. No one noticed. No one cared.

But we made it. I adapted. I’m no longer suicidal. I’m no longer sad or upset. I adore Felix. I just learned I can’t depend on anyone to help ME when I need it, especially when I need it most. I’m actually looking into hiring skilled respite care for date nights and much-needed breaks when I become overwhelmed. That way I can reduce my own stress levels to be the best mom I can for Felix. Hopefully we can find the right person, or people, that can see and understand what Felix is all about, and who can build a good relationship with him for their visits. He needs a good team. They can be our extended family, in a way.

Felix playing with his dads phone after lunch, while eating out. And me, peeking around him. Lol. Just for fun. Life is better now. 💖

Fur Babies

When I was a little kid I loved animals. My mom had a black cat named Scorpio who I took naps with and played with every day when I was 3-4 years old.

Then we moved to an apartment where we couldn’t have pets. We were three for many years. I dreamed of becoming a veterinarian one day. Once we got out of there (when I was 12), we moved to a house out in the country and had many, many pets. Dogs, a bunny, a pig, an iguana, large aquariums, ferrets…. but specifically a great many cats.

The cats were mostly all outside cats. They weren’t spayed or neutered so they just bred indiscriminately. In the spring and summer we would end up with around 40 cats and kittens. But by the end of winter we would be down to 6-8. Between the brutal Iowa winters, disease, parasites, and the highway, there was a high cat death rate. At first I was naming all of the new kittens and getting attached to them all the time. But by the end of 4-5 years of seeing them come and go, I deemed myself NOT a cat person. To me they were too “disposable,” for lack of a better description.

Fast forward to 2010. I was living in an apartment with my older 3 kiddos. One of my friends down the hall had a cat who had kittens. I picked the only orange kitten of the litter. We named her Sunny. She became a permanent member of the family.

Andy and Sunny became inseparable. She claimed him as her human. We got 10 good years with Sunny. Unfortunately she was let outside during our stay in NC and disappeared. Despite all our efforts to find her, she never came home. Out of guilt I got Andy a kitten after that. No cat can replace our beloved Sunny. But Hera has brought Andy a lot of joy.

Then I started evaluating why I didn’t like cats. Yeah, litter boxes are annoying. But if kept clean they don’t stink. Yeah cats can be assholes, knocking stuff over and shredding toilet paper. But they can be the best companions. Then I thought back to the farm life and I understood where my opposition to cats as pets came from. I just didn’t want to get attached to something that was going to break my heart.

Longer story shortened, I decided to get a kitten for myself. I started looking around and found a lady here in town with several litters. I wanted a calico kitten originally. So I went to pick one out and immediately bonded with a grey and white kitten. So I brought both her and a calico home.

Meet Sage (grey and white) and Daisy (calico).

They have been with us for just about two months now. They are both absolute terrors, and sweet little cuddle bugs at the same time. I adore them both, but Daisy is a lot more aloof with me. Sage is my buddy. She sits on me every time I’m sitting down. She gets in my face and grabs my phone for attention. It’s adorable.

These kittens have brought a lot of joy into my life. I’m so glad I was able to move past the trauma of many lost kitty lives, and learn to allow myself to be attached again. It’s been so worth it!!

Finding Myself

This has turned out to be a somewhat long post, but just barely touches on the highlights of my thought process. I’m not comfortable going into more detail in a public forum. If you’re a close friend or family member of mine and you’d like to talk about this, please send me a PM on social media or text me and I’d be happy to answer questions or discuss things in more depth.

I have always dated and been in relationships with men. Growing up, and around the time I started understanding sexuality, all of my examples in life were straight. My mom and dad weren’t together, and they both dated. My grandparents were very happily committed (and a shining example of a loving relationship). My aunts and uncles, cousins, and family friends were all straight. I knew no different. I knew that girls were attractive to me, but rationalized it to be more of an idolization rather than attraction.

Also while growing up, being raised mostly by a single mom, she taught me never to trust men. She always taught me to be aware of my surroundings, carry car keys between my fingers while walking alone after dark, and always check my back seats in my vehicle to check or predators. Yes, all of this is good advice, even now. Especially now. But on some level it helped along the mindset that most, if not all men, are predators. This all checked out within my experiences because I endured rape and sexual abuse by adult men while I was still a child.

During my later teenage and high school years, there were a couple of girls I actually developed feelings for, one of which ended up dating one of my other female friends. I was very jealous, but never really processed it as jealousy in terms of romance. I rationalized it as jealousy because two of my close friends were hanging out and doing things without me. I was missing out. But even when I confessed my feelings to those I had crushes on, neither reciprocated my feelings. It was disappointing and it hurt, and so I defaulted to what was familiar and easy, which was getting attention from guys.

I continued throughout my entire adult life labeling myself as bisexual, but only ever had relationships with men. Nearly every relationship I’ve ever been in with a man has been either psychologically, emotionally, or sexually abusive in some way. I was never fully satisfied with the physical intimacy part of those relationships, but I continued with it to get attention, to feel loved, and to have companionship, even if those relationships were detrimental to me.

Once a few years ago I had a short-lived little fling with a female friend. It was inappropriate, so ended quickly, and we were able to salvage our friendship. However, even in that moment, I realized on some level that the feelings I had in that situation with her were more intense than anything I’d felt before with men. You’d think that would be my “aha!” moment. But I don’t learn things easily…

Right now I am married for the third time, and have been divorced twice. My current marriage to Jarrod has been far from perfect, but we love each other and we plan to stay together. We love our family, and don’t want Felix to come from a broken home. We’re happy. Nothing is planned to change about our situation… However throughout the last couple months I have been evaluating my history, the feelings and experiences I’ve had, and how it all fits together and makes sense for ME.

And you know what? I am a lesbian. I know what/who I’m attracted to. I know what causes the reaction of physical and emotional attraction, and that is women AND my husband. Ok yeah, of course my husband is (and always has been) anatomically male. But for lack of a better term, he’s been grandfathered in due to the fact that I love him. I love him, I love our family, and I love where we are in life. I don’t want that to change. He knows all about my feelings and recent self-discovery, and he loves me anyway of course.

So what does this change? Nothing, outwardly. Internally, I feel much more comfortable in my skin knowing where I stand. Its a relief to know my true self and not be in denial or hiding it from anyone. I’m no longer looking to seek approval from the male gaze (other than my husband’s), which is a very freeing feeling. I can relax and be my authentic self.

Ignorance Vs Intelligence

Author Unknown

The donkey told the tiger, “The grass is blue.”

The tiger replied, “No, the grass is green .”

The discussion became heated, and the two decided to submit the issue to arbitration, so they approached the lion.

As they approached the lion on his throne, the donkey started screaming: ′′Your Highness, isn’t it true that the grass is blue?”

The lion replied: “If you believe it is true, the grass is blue.”

The donkey rushed forward and continued: ′′The tiger disagrees with me, contradicts me and annoys me. Please punish him.”

The king then declared: ′′The tiger will be punished with 3 days of silence.”

The donkey jumped with joy and went on his way, content and repeating ′′The grass is blue, the grass is blue…”

The tiger asked the lion, “Your Majesty, why have you punished me, after all, the grass is green?”

The lion replied, ′′You’ve known and seen the grass is green.”

The tiger asked, ′′So why do you punish me?”

The lion replied, “That has nothing to do with the question of whether the grass is blue or green. The punishment is because it is degrading for a brave, intelligent creature like you to waste time arguing with an ass, and on top of that, you came and bothered me with that question just to validate something you already knew was true!”

The biggest waste of time is arguing with the fool and fanatic who doesn’t care about truth or reality, but only the victory of his beliefs and illusions. Never waste time on discussions that make no sense. There are people who, for all the evidence presented to them, do not have the ability to understand. Others who are blinded by ego, hatred and resentment, and the only thing that they want is to be right even if they aren’t.

When IGNORANCE SCREAMS, intelligence moves on.