Unsettled

I’ve talked about this a bit amongst my friends and family. But I’m just going to put it out there officially: I DON’T LIKE IT HERE. Everyone I come across seems to have moved here from somewhere else in the country, or every from other countries. And everyone tells me “oh, you’re going to love it here!” Ok, why? Why does everyone love it here? Traffic is absolutely atrocious, day and night. If you such as need to run to the store for 1 or 2 forgotten items, it takes at least 45 minutes. It’s urban, but things are spaced so far apart, with a thick strip of trees between everything to make it appear more rural. All the roads are twisty, making it also take longer to get from one place to another. There’s no direct route for anything. People are nice most of the time in public, but no one seems to want to create a real friendship. (I know some of the is the pandemic, I don’t need reminded).

I used to think living in a bigger town/city would be more convenient. With more things to do and a bigger variety of people to meet and befriend. More career opportunities and a better overall environment. I was completely wrong. It’s simply not for me. I want a smaller town. Where businesses are all within a couple miles of each other, and you can go for pleasant walks in your own neighborhood without cars flying past at 60mph. I want familiar faces instead of a constantly changing sea of strangers. I want a bank and doctors office that greets you, knowing who you are instead of treating you like “just another person.”

I never in my life thought I’d say it, but I miss Newton. Maybe not Newton specifically, but the culture. The small town, familiar faces, some people know your name, safe, comfortable culture of a smaller town. It’s the kind of place I want to raise Felix. Not the city.

I can’t say I regret coming here to the Raleigh area. I have learned a lot, mostly about myself. It’s something I should have learned earlier in life. But now that I know, I want to find a smaller town to go plant roots. Maybe Iowa, maybe not. Wherever the wind blows Jarrod and me. I love exploring, but I look forward to finding a place that we don’t want to move away from.

Live By The Earth

“Drink water from the spring where horses drink. The horse will never drink bad water.

Lay your bed where the cat sleeps.

Eat the fruit that has been touched by a worm.

Boldly pick the mushroom on which the insects sit.

Plant the tree where the mole digs.

Build your house where the snake sits to warm itself.

Dig your fountain where the birds hide from heat.

Go to sleep and wake up at the same time with the birds – you will reap all of the days golden grains.

Eat more green – you will have strong legs and a resistant heart, like the beings of the forest.

Swim often and you will feel on earth like the fish in the water.

Look at the sky as often as possible and your thoughts will become light and clear.

Be quiet a lot, speak little – and silence will come in your heart, and your spirit will be calm and full of peace.”

Saint Seraphim of Sarov

Remembering

Iowa has always been my home.  My mom moved us here to Newton when I was 5 years old.  Newton is where I grew childhood friendships, and where I started and attended elementary school.  A huge chunk of my childhood was here, and nearly all of my adulthood.  I was only away from Newton long enough to finish high school and learn about working and being on my own in a larger city, and then I came right back here.  My children were all four born here, and my three oldest have attended school here always.  Jarrod and I met here (and he’s been a lifelong resident as well).  We worked a job together, built a happy home together in the only house we’ve ever been in as a couple, and created a life and family together here.

Newton-IA

I have learned about love and heartache.  The gift of life and the devastation of loss.  All the good times full of laughter and joy, along with all the deeply desperate and bad times.  Driving through Newton, every street has a memory.  Every park holds a part of my personal history.  Many houses contain pieces of my childrens’ upbringings.  And here we are, in our last few days within it all.

Among the things I will miss, of course, my mom is the one I will miss the most.  She’s been the one here for me always, no matter what.  She’s been my best friend, the one I can go to and lean on for anything.  She knows me inside and out.  I love her so very much.  I will miss my best friend Amber.  Though this pandemic has kept us apart a lot more than we’d like to be, it is going to be rough knowing I can’t just drive down the road and hang out.  I’m going to miss Skyla and Shane, new friends that Jarrod and I have made through Felix.  I’m going to miss our wonderfully spacious house that has been our family home through the duration of our marriage so far.  This house has more memories for us than I could even begin to count.  I am going to miss our favorite breakfast/lunch spot, Midtown Cafe, and the owners, The Sharpnacks.  They have been like extended family to us.  Felix was basically grown in my tummy on their delicious creations.  I’m going to miss the helpful therapy providers and medical professionals Felix has needed during his infancy.  We’ve gotten so much support from them for his developmental needs.  And of course many more friends and acquaintances I have made throughout the years.

New-chapterHowever, I very much look forward to turning the page in my life story.  Jarrod and I will be presented in our new home as a couple, from day one.  No one will be asking us how our exes are, or what happened years ago.  They will see us as a family unit, and accept that from the beginning.  We will no longer be questioned or doubted for our longevity or commitment.  The older boys can all take their lives into their own hands and put out whatever part of themselves they want to be known for as well.  Felix will have more opportunities as he grows than he ever could have been provided here.  Jarrod already has career opportunities and options in NC he could not achieve here.  And I’m looking forward to finding my path wherever life takes me out there as well.

Though I’m looking around and realizing all that I will miss, I am also very excited to turn this page and create my new chapter.  One for not just myself, but most of all for my family.  This is going to be the amazing, refreshing turn of events we all need in our lives.

4 days until MOVING DAY!

My next update will be from our new home, about our journey and our new beginning.  Stay tuned…