Tag Archives: moving forward

Returning Home

Alright, so I know I already made a big long post about the trailer we moved into, and being so happy with it. BUT as a blended family with 7 children (and undoubtedly grandchildren in the future), we should have known better than to believe we wouldn’t need more space. Silly us!

So let me give you a little back story on this home adventure. During my kiddos’ childhood, we moved around quite a number of times. Apartment to apartment, small crappy house to small crappy house. In 2014 I checked out a big, beautiful rental house. As soon as I stepped foot inside I knew this was my home. It was comfortable, homey, and so entirely welcoming, along with having all the space we needed. At that time I couldn’t afford it and we ended up taking a less expensive house. So when it came open again with my improved income, I jumped at the opportunity to live there. The boys and I moved in February 2017.

In September of 2017, right after we got married, Jarrod and his daughters moved in with me and the boys. We became a blended family there, enjoyed our family holidays and gatherings there, brought Felix home from the hospital and raised Felix for his first year there. When we moved to NC in May of 2020, that was the one thing (besides my people) I had the very hardest time leaving behind.

Early this year I heard the landlord was selling the house. I contacted him, knowing we were moving back to Iowa, and told him I wanted to live there again. He told me he could not offer any rental or rent-to-own opportunity, and to contact a banker. Knowing Jarrod and I had less-than-perfect credit (despite our impeccable rental payment history), we sorta dismissed the idea. But as months went by and the house still hadn’t gotten new occupants, I decided to contact a realtor just to give the house one last walk through, as I missed it so much.

When we all arrived at the house and went inside, I told the realtor we had lived there previously for over 3 years, and we wanted it but we needed someone to work with us. As we walked through the rooms of the house, I talked more about our history there and our love for the house. So the realtor gave me the contact info for a banker that was good at working for people in our sort of situation.

The banker took a preliminary look at our credit histories along with a few other factors, knew right away he could make it work for us, and gave us our pre-approval. The realtor helped us make our offer on the house, and it was accepted! We have been working diligently with the banker and the realtor to get all the paperwork and inspections and everything else done to close in January. We’re officially first time homebuyers!!

Details: it’s a 3 bedroom, 2 full bathroom home built in 1940, with a partially finished basement and mature trees. It’s got a little over 1800 sq ft, an attached 2 car garage, and a nice big yard.

We went from believing we wouldn’t have a chance, to being just a few weeks away from moving into our forever home, in less than a month! I’m so incredibly grateful that I contacted someone about the house, and that we’ve been given this opportunity. Now we can provide the stability and permanence for Felix that we weren’t able to provide previously. THIS WILL BE OUR VERY LAST MOVE, EVER!! ❤️

I have so many ideas for improvements and renovations we can do over time. I’m so excited to move in and start the rest of our lives in the home of our dreams!

Moving Finally Complete!

It finally happened! We got our stuff back! Well, most of it, anyway.

If you haven’t read about our moving disaster, you can do so by clicking HERE.

Some time in late September I got a call from a random freight company. The lady on the other end said she had our load scheduled to get on her next truck headed toward the Midwest, and wanted to know if we were ready and able to receive it. We had plans to be away that weekend, but I said I’d arrange for someone else to be here for the delivery. She wanted me to make sure and call her the next day. When I did, she said there wasn’t room for our stuff after all. It made me angry to be “teased” when I had already accepted we wouldn’t be getting our stuff back, even though I was actively pursuing legal counsel.

Then about a week later the same thing happened. A guy called this time, saying our stuff was already on their truck and they were on their way through Chicago, and that they would be here the next day. I didn’t truly believe it that time, but still arranged my schedule so that I would be home. I let check back in with him to make sure he had the right address, and to make sure he was still on his way.

At about 7pm on October 7th the truck arrived. And the guys brought in our boxes, furniture and belongings! The guys who took the job from Sirius van lines were awesome. I’m so thankful for them. Our house was a complete disaster for about a week as we attempted to unpack, sort, organize and evaluate what was delivered. About 80% of our stuff was delivered. Of that, about 15% of it was broken or badly damaged. And I’d say another 20% was mildly damaged. The things missing were really random. Among them were: Andy’s TV, a hanging glass lamp, kitchen utensils, a few of Felix’s toys, our lawnmower, and most of my clothes.

Felix surrounded by boxes!

However, we’re very thankful to receive back what we did, after 5 months of waiting, and certainty that we’d never see any of it again. It was most important to me to have the sentimentals from when the older kiddos were little.

However, I’m still saying to anyone looking for long distance movers: RESEARCH RESEARCH RESEARCH. Or just do it yourself. There are way too many scammers out there.

Finding Myself

This has turned out to be a somewhat long post, but just barely touches on the highlights of my thought process. I’m not comfortable going into more detail in a public forum. If you’re a close friend or family member of mine and you’d like to talk about this, please send me a PM on social media or text me and I’d be happy to answer questions or discuss things in more depth.

I have always dated and been in relationships with men. Growing up, and around the time I started understanding sexuality, all of my examples in life were straight. My mom and dad weren’t together, and they both dated. My grandparents were very happily committed (and a shining example of a loving relationship). My aunts and uncles, cousins, and family friends were all straight. I knew no different. I knew that girls were attractive to me, but rationalized it to be more of an idolization rather than attraction.

Also while growing up, being raised mostly by a single mom, she taught me never to trust men. She always taught me to be aware of my surroundings, carry car keys between my fingers while walking alone after dark, and always check my back seats in my vehicle to check or predators. Yes, all of this is good advice, even now. Especially now. But on some level it helped along the mindset that most, if not all men, are predators. This all checked out within my experiences because I endured rape and sexual abuse by adult men while I was still a child.

During my later teenage and high school years, there were a couple of girls I actually developed feelings for, one of which ended up dating one of my other female friends. I was very jealous, but never really processed it as jealousy in terms of romance. I rationalized it as jealousy because two of my close friends were hanging out and doing things without me. I was missing out. But even when I confessed my feelings to those I had crushes on, neither reciprocated my feelings. It was disappointing and it hurt, and so I defaulted to what was familiar and easy, which was getting attention from guys.

I continued throughout my entire adult life labeling myself as bisexual, but only ever had relationships with men. Nearly every relationship I’ve ever been in with a man has been either psychologically, emotionally, or sexually abusive in some way. I was never fully satisfied with the physical intimacy part of those relationships, but I continued with it to get attention, to feel loved, and to have companionship, even if those relationships were detrimental to me.

Once a few years ago I had a short-lived little fling with a female friend. It was inappropriate, so ended quickly, and we were able to salvage our friendship. However, even in that moment, I realized on some level that the feelings I had in that situation with her were more intense than anything I’d felt before with men. You’d think that would be my “aha!” moment. But I don’t learn things easily…

Right now I am married for the third time, and have been divorced twice. My current marriage to Jarrod has been far from perfect, but we love each other and we plan to stay together. We love our family, and don’t want Felix to come from a broken home. We’re happy. Nothing is planned to change about our situation… However throughout the last couple months I have been evaluating my history, the feelings and experiences I’ve had, and how it all fits together and makes sense for ME.

And you know what? I am a lesbian. I know what/who I’m attracted to. I know what causes the reaction of physical and emotional attraction, and that is women AND my husband. Ok yeah, of course my husband is (and always has been) anatomically male. But for lack of a better term, he’s been grandfathered in due to the fact that I love him. I love him, I love our family, and I love where we are in life. I don’t want that to change. He knows all about my feelings and recent self-discovery, and he loves me anyway of course.

So what does this change? Nothing, outwardly. Internally, I feel much more comfortable in my skin knowing where I stand. Its a relief to know my true self and not be in denial or hiding it from anyone. I’m no longer looking to seek approval from the male gaze (other than my husband’s), which is a very freeing feeling. I can relax and be my authentic self.

One And Done

When Jarrod and I discussed our sterilization reversals back in 2018, we thought about having 2-3 babies together. I got pregnant on the first cycle, but pregnancy in my late 30s was quite a bit more challenging than it was in my early 20s. So once Felix was born, we both wanted to wait a little while to relax and recover of course. However after just a few weeks, Felix started crying with “colic” that continued for months. At some time in the middle of that, Felix was also diagnosed with a global developmental delay and hypotonia. He got referrals for many specialists and testing, including therapies. The developmental doctor said they wanted to take an aggressive approach as early as possible to give him the best outlook later on. Meanwhile, the “colic” continued until Felix was about 10 months old. Now that Felix is 2 1/2 years old, and knowing what we do, I believe it was sensory issues and intestinal cramping that was causing his crying.

Back to the point… Jarrod and I had planned on more babies, but as time went on, and we got deeper and deeper into specialists and testing and therapies, we not only had less and less time for each other, but it began to become pretty clear that dividing our time further would not be in anyone’s best interest.

Then, a couple weeks ago I really got to thinking about the whole process of being pregnant and having another baby. As things are right now, Felix sleeps on his toddler mattress on the floor, right up against our mattress, which is also on the floor. So essentially he still co-sleeps. I go to bed when he does, wake with him in the middle of the night, and get up when he does. I stay home with him, and take him to his appointments, play dates, etc. He is very demanding of my attention, and trusts I will fulfill all his needs every day, which I do. It’s been difficult to carve out time not only for myself and my own health and basic needs, but also for my older kids who still need me, and my marriage! But the thought that really tipped the scale for me was the idea of me leaving for 2-3 nights to have the baby, and Felix not understanding why I’m not there for him. Then coming home with a baby in need of most of my attention and Felix having his whole life flipped upside down because of it. It was heartbreaking to think of. So after a very serious discussion with Jarrod weighing all the pros and cons of everything I’ve already stated here and more, I decided to get another tubal ligation.

I had an appointment with my doctor last week and made an appointment for a tubal ligation. This particular doctor removes the Fallopian tubes entirely (because most ovarian cancer starts in the tubes), so there will be zero chance of another pregnancy in the future. This time it will be permanent. I think at 40 years old, with 4 kids (and 3 bonus kids), I am more than happy to be done with that chapter of life.

Felix has completed our family. Though he will essentially be raised an only child, with siblings 12-17 years older than him, that just means he will have plenty of people to care for and look after him. And I don’t mind saying we all spoil him too.

My surgery is scheduled for September 27th. It’s an outpatient, laparoscopic procedure, with very little downtime.

Rebuilding Wish List

Since it is quite clear that we are not receiving the things that the moving company stole from us (which was EVERYTHING except what we brought in our suitcases and our van), I have started an Amazon wish list to rebuild our home. If anyone feels like helping us out with this, we would be eternally grateful.

To check out our wishlist, click here.